What's Up- the Moody Blues Edition

Right- so I used to blog regularly. I love to write. Really I do. But, lately, it has fallen by the wayside-along with everything else. I feel the need to explain what is going on- although you may not care. So, if this particular post is just for me, then that is fine, because that was all I intended it to be anyway.

When DJ and I first got married, he was in a maintenance squadron overseas. Maintenance entails shift work and crazy hours because the aircraft is the priority. He was a maintainer in a Special Ops squadron which also meant frequent, no-notice (well, okay- oftentimes it was like 8-10 hours notice) deployments to unspecified places for unspecified amounts of time. That was my initiation to the world of a military spouse. Living overseas, off-base, with an often-absent husband. It was an adjustment, but we did it. The thing was- when he worked, he worked hard and often, but when he was off- he was off to spend time with his family (just me at the time as we had no kids). We managed to squeeze in trips to Paris, all over the United Kingdom and a week-long tour of Italy. It really wasn't a bad gig. Yes, he worked the swing shift (3pm- 11pm) but it was only 8 hour shifts- he had plenty of time to rest and still hang out with me- even with me working quite a bit. They had to cover the weekends, but had it set up so that he only had to work one weekend a month.

When we moved to New Jersey, the first squadron he was assigned to was a special duty. He was no longer working on aircraft, but was working in a unit that goes where there is trouble in the world. When someone has an earthquake/tsunami/ flood/hurricane or any natural or man-made disaster- they were there to facilitate relief efforts. This included US as well as international locations. After September 11, 2001- they deployed often. As in, he was gone just short of 300 days total in 2002. When they worked- they worked hard. But, this squadron recognized that when they were home, they weren't home for long and allowed them to spend time with their families. They would often release them on Fridays at noon if it was a beautiful day or on the eve of a holiday weekend. So- again- parts of it sucked- but when he was home, he as able to spend time with us before he left again.

After this assignment- in March 2004- he moved to another special duty as an instructor. There was rarely any getting off early, but he had the closest thing to a civilian job he will probably ever have in the military. He worked Monday- Friday 7:30-4:30, weekends and holidays off with minimal TDY's (temporary duty for you non-military folks). It was a good gig. We had a good six year run with that one.

All good things must come to an end and in March 2010- he was assigned back into the maintenance world. If you look back through my post history- everything began to unravel at that point. They work 12 hour shifts- 7pm- 7am or vice versa. If you are on the night shift, you NEVER get off at 7am because all the normal things you must take care of- like finance, doctors appointments, any administrative stuff must be done during their normal hours (7:30-4:30) so you have to stay over past your shift to get it done. When DJ was on nights, he most often came home around 10-10:30am but also came home plenty of times around noon. Just to go to bed for a few hours, get up and go back to work. He was exhausted and cranky. When he was on dayshift- it was better, but he still rarely only worked 12 hours. And oftentimes, he had to go in on his day(s) off if even for just an hour or two.

Then, last January, he deployed. Granted, because of his work schedule, not a whole lot changed- we weren't seeing him much as it was, but the kids did take it hard and it was a long winter with a lot of snow-shoveling by my lonesome self. He came back in May with the promise of getting a new position where he would work Monday- Friday dayshift until further notice. He leaves every day at 5:30am and is home most days around 6:30pm but it is not uncommon for him to come home between 7-8pm. He is stressed, tired, and cranky when he gets here. All of the perks enjoyed by the "nonners" (military lingo for non-maintenance world) like days off for scoring a 90 or higher on your physical do not apply to his world. This "day job" does allow him Fridays and Saturdays off with us, but he has been tasked for several TDY's at last minute that cause him to miss even those with us. They have told him at work it is just a matter of time before he goes back to shift. That means- same long, crazy hours, but nights and weekends too. Still stressed and cranky when he comes home, still missing everything the kids do. Still going in on his "days off". I try to plan around his his schedule, but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I plan something based on it, he either has to work late, work a day off or go TDY. I am not exaggerating this- EVERY TIME I have planned something around his schedule- I have had to change or cancel it because he has to go somewhere. Seriously.. EVERY TIME. What it has come down to, is that after the fall activities are over with, the kids will no longer get to be in extra curricular activities, and I will no longer get to participate in anything outside of the kids and their schools. I can't do it. I am trying to honor my commitments now and am failing miserably. Why put that stress on myself any longer?

My point is- our world has drastically changed. I am- for all intents and purposes- a single mom. He is not around to help with anything. During my battle with the school district that started last May when they informed me that my daughter would not only not get to go to preschool at her brother's school, but that they would not allow her to go to his school at all, ever. I listed this as a hardship. I explained that it the responsibility of parent-teacher conferences, back to school nights and every other school obligation falls solely on my shoulders and having to get to two different schools, with start and end times an hour and a half apart, makes my life extremely difficult. In some cases, I just can't do it. My concerns have fallen on deaf ears time and time again.

I tell you all this to now point out that in my previous life (BEFORE March 2010) I liked to craft and scrapbook. I played flute in a local community band and enjoyed it very much. I also enjoyed pouring my efforts into Halloween every year and my kids' Halloween costumes. Having the contest-winning costume was kinda my thing. I also took pride in throwing some pretty magnificent parties for my kids. (Circus, Circus Outfit, More Circus, The Lego cake, and my personal favorite-the Ice Cream Social) I LOVED that sort of thing. And lastly, I have always loved to write and enjoyed chronicling my kids' lives and adventures through creative writing. (Don't forget this one).

But, I have not scrapbooked a page since Fall 2009. Two years ago was the last time I made a Halloween costume and last year was the last time I orchestrated the idea and had them made by someone else. This year, I- GASP- bought their costumes. June and August 2010 was the last time I threw a party for my kids. This year, I went to Party City and bought minimal supplies and had the party at my Dad's house in Texas. It was still a hit with the kids because he has a pool, so they had a blast. However- I have lost the desire to create. I cannot tell you the last time I blogged regularly, or creatively.

We are in survival mode here. I feel that we are just barely keeping our head about water. I know it is just one of those hurdles you get through as a family and one day it won't seem so big. But I am war-torn and weary and frankly, I am just treading water, barely hanging on. I get the kids where they need to be, I participate in what school activities I can, I keep the kids fed and make sure homework is done and piano is practiced. I am surviving and that is all.

I appreciate if you still read my blog, but if you have moved on and given up on me, I completely understand. I cannot promise anything exciting in the future. In fact, I cannot promise anything at all. I will blog if the mood and inspiration strike me, but let's face it-it hasn't in a really long time and I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Thank you for reading. I am closing comments because this is not about me fishing for sympathy, support, advice or comments. Frankly, I am tired of all the Pollyanna comments I get sometimes about how I should be thankful and I need to realize how blessed I am. Because, right now I am barely surviving. I have tried to put a smile on and force myself to do things I like, but I find no joy in it.

Tight Schedules

When I got an iPhone recently, I gave my iPod Touch to Noah. Since that moment, he has been in love with it!

Last night, I picked it up off the end table and flipped it on to see if it needed to be charged. There was a note that Noah has opened and started but not finished. That caused me to look at his other notes- and laugh hysterically. It also gives you insight into the tight schedule Noah keeps during his summer vacation.

Here is the content of a couple of the notes he has written and saved:

August 22-

Play Legos

iPod Touch

watch TV

run erens (errands)

ask to play with Logan

August 24-

Pet Lindy (the dog)

iPod Touch

ask to play with Logan

August 25- (I need to give you a little background on what actually was going on that day for you to understand this- that day, Noah had a soccer practice scheduled and another parents was going to bring him to me after practice at Zoe's soccer parent meeting scheduled at the same time. After we were all done with Zoe's parent meeting, we were supposed to drive straight over to the high school to meet DJ where the school board meeting was going on. This was also a Thursday night and when preparations were beginning to be made for Hurricane Irene which was expected to hit our area Saturday evening/Sunday morning)

Watch Irene (on the Weather Channel, perhaps?)

play dsi xl

iPod Touch

lay down ( I LOVE that he scheduled a nap)

6:00pm- soccer canceled (his)

Team 7, time-? ( we must have been in the parent meeting at this point because that is Zoe's team number and her team didn't have a coach or time for practice yet)

Bord (board) meeting. (I think he is taking dictation now and we have arrived at the school board meeting)

I am going to play Legos.

Irene comes on Sunday.

Zoe draws a picture.

School starts on September 7- 2011-2012 (he was LISTENING at the board meeting!).

Hope school is easy.

I am bord (bored).

The high school is nice.

Lego set- built Qidich (Quidditch) match!

Dad is speaking.

Finally too!

This may not be funny to you if you do not already know Noah. But, just seeing how his mind works, how he alternately took dictation of his day and scheduled his activities is so amusing to me.

I also realized that if ever I question what exactly happened or was said at some point during a day- I might should check Noah's notes. The answer is probably there.