BOO!

Have a safe and Happy Halloween!

The Dropouts

I was telling this story to someone today and had forgotten how funny it was ( to me anyway) so I thought I would share it. It is a story about me and college and being a musician. But, please, don't stop reading if you are not a musician, because I promise, even if you only took a few piano lessons as a child, or played in beginner band or were in choir for a few years, this will not be over your head.

After majoring in music for two years, I changed my major to elementary education. My friends Aimee and Tracie also changed their majors around the same time. Our new degree plans required a Humanities class. That's code for some form of appreciation of the arts. Now, my argument was that after numerous piano, music theory, music literature, recital, band, flute lessons, flute choir ( I could go on and on) classes, if I didn't appreciate the arts, well, I wasn't gonna. And no perky professor and her class could make me either! ( So, THERE!) Well, of course I appreciate the arts... but for argument's sake, I'm just sayin'. And, incidentally, the powers that be, disagreed with me on how much I appreciated the arts.

We enrolled in a class that was half theatre appreciation and half music appreciation. We obediently took the first half, enjoyed it and fared well. Then, the day came for us to plant our behinds in seats in the recital hall of the building we had practically lived in previously to listen to a new professor on staff in the music department who was obviously a former elementary teacher. You know why I know this? Because she was perky as all get-out. I mean REALLY perky. ANNOYINGLY perky! And on that first day, she walked up in front of the class ( full of non-musicians that looked bored to tears to even be there) and said (chirpily and loudly) " HELLO CLASS, MY NAME IS DR. _____ ________! THAT'S CALLED FORTE!" (now whispering) "Hello, class, I'm Dr. ______ _______ . That's called piano." The three stooges in the back of the classroom rolled our eyes and groaned.

Before the class was over, she had drawn a whole note on the board and said, "This is a whole note, it gets FOUR beats!" Oh yes she did. I was certain God was very unhappy with me, because I had just been cast into Hell.

As soon as class was out... we marched straight down the hall and to the office of our band director who also happened to be the music department chair at the time and closed his door. We proceeded to tell him in great detail about what we learned. After he finished laughing... and he laughed, HARD, he said he would see what he could do. He talked to the professor and informed us that she was not happy that we wanted to skip the classes and just take her final. She felt that we were being all self-righteous, but he managed to talk her into it anyway. ( Thank you, Dr. Johnson) But, she wanted to make it difficult for us. If we were such music geniuses, then we should he able to pass her tests WITHOUT the notes. I can't remember if she completely refused to give us the outline of what would be on the tests, or if she just refused to give us what would be on the listening portion of the test, but she did refuse to give us much to work with.

The day came for the final and we shuffled in there nervously. Dr. Happy Britches passed out the multiple choice answer portion of the test and was in the process of passing out the questions that we would all turn over on cue. Now, Dr. Perky Pants decided to make the ONE listening question count for a good portion of the grade, further complicating our plight. So, we quickly scanned the answer part to the listening portion to see four choices we did not recognize. She was playing hard ball. We confirmed that none of us had ever heard of any of the pieces, until....

My nerdiness and love of figure skating offered a glimmer of hope. One of the pieces was "Bolero". I did not recognize this piece because of my music background, but because of my love of figure skating and the famous performance by Torville and Dean in the 1984 Winter Olympics. I quickly explained that I DID know one piece, so we had a one in four chance that we would get it, or at the very least, if it WASN'T Bolero, we would only have three other choices and narrow the odds of guessing incorrectly.

Well, the moment came. She started the piece and we all craned our necks to hear. And ever so softly, I heard, DUM da da da DUM da da da DUM da da da da da da da da da..... I could see Tracie and Aimee cut their eyes sideways at me. I smiled from ear to ear and we all three furiously bubbled in "C". We all made an A in that class. And proved that God either loves unholy backsliding quitters OR just loves them more than He loves perky elementary school music teachers.

** I would like to add a very ironic and hilariously funny afternote- Tracie is now an elementary music teacher. I have faith that she isn't annoyingly perky, though. At least I HOPE she isn't!

The Olden Days...

DJ took the GPS with him on his trip. Today, I was taking the kids to a birthday party at a friend's house who has recently moved. I knew where her street was located, but wanted to get more details, like how far down the road she lived, what side, were the house numbers visible and were there any distinguishing features to look for.

Noah asked me, " Mommy, why are you going to call Conner's mom?"

"Because they moved to a new house and I am not sure exactly where it is. So, I am going to call for directions."

"Maybe we should use the GPS."

" Noah, Daddy has the GPS with him and I am confident that I can find the house after I call Becca and talk to her. That is, after all, what we did BEFORE we had GPS!!"

**Noahs eyes got wide as saucers**

" Well..... maybe we should go to WalMart first and buy a NEW GPS!"

I'm happy to report that despite their lack of use, my natural navigational skills are still sharp and we found the house with no problem.

Yay me!

Parenthood- Raw

I am convinced that kids have the innate ability to know when their parents have hit that point where they are going to lose it.

Zoe has been having sleep issues for the past seven weeks. So that means that *I* have been having sleep issues for the past seven weeks and that makes for one cranky momma. She refuses to sleep in her bed. Every night, she gets out of her bed and lies in front of her door and kicks it and screams until she finally falls asleep and then spends the night sleeping on the floor in front of her door. She doesn't sleep well, I hear her rolling around in there and hitting the door and her closet as she thrashes in her sleep. But, for the most part, she doesn't require that I actually GET UP and go in there anymore.

Except for Wednesday night. She was having a particularly restless night and I barely slept because I kept hearing her. Somewhere around five a.m. she started crying. I got so angry. I was lying there in bed steaming and thinking all the unhealthy things I shouldn't. Like that she was doing this to ME on purpose. Why did I deserve this? Dear Lord, I am SO FREAKIN' TIRED, why can't you cut me a break? Why did I have children in the first place? Why did I marry a man in the military when I completely swore them off back in 1997? Why can't I be a great mom that loves her job and has it all together all the time? And most importantly, WHAT IS WITH NEW JERSEY AND JUGHANDLES??? ( OK... maybe that wasn't relevant, but that's an ongoing joke and no one has ever answered it for me)

At my breaking point, I flung back the covers on the bed, stomped across the hall to Zoe's room, flung open the door, peered around the corner at her lying on the ground ready to just explode and yell at her . But then, she sprang up and hollered, " BOO!!!" and collapsed in a fit of giggles.

How can you be mad at that? She saved herself that night... and I guess God WAS trying to cut me a break after all.

Conversations with Noah

Last night, DJ and Noah were talking on the phone before bed and DJ was picking on Noah. Here is the conversation that took place:

NOAH: Hi, Daddy!
DJ: Daddy?? I'm a daddy???
NOAH: YES.. I'm your SON!
DJ: What's your name, little boy?
NOAH: Noah _____ _____ (insert full name)
DJ: That name doesn't sound familiar, where do you live?
NOAH: Umm... with your WIFE!


I feel that I must also add our dinner conversation from the evening before that. Noah (whom I think is quite possibly the pickiest eater EVER) was trying a Mexican casserole I made and while chewing, looked down at his bowl and said:

" That's a big ole mess of Mexican goodness right there!"



**SNICKER SNICKER SNORT**

Haiku Monday

No, that's not a real thing.. I made it up... so just go with it, okay?

Dear God, I beg you
Protect me from my offspring
They plot against me.

Mano y Mano
Myself against the redhead
Who is left standing?

During deployment
My mental state in one word:
Certifiable.

I'm going to bed
I'm too tired and it's too cold
Wake me up for spring.



K.. I'm done now... carry on.

Tough Audience

Way back, a long time ago, I was a performer. Crowds and audiences energized me. Now, I prefer to blend in and pray noone notices me. When someone does notice, I make a funny face or crack a joke and then crawl back in my hole.

I was going through a stack of VHS tapes I have this evening trying to find what is worth keeping and what is not. (i.e. Days of Our Lives from 1989 is NOT worth keeping, however, my senior homecoming pep rally IS) I popped in a tape in Noah's room- because he has the only remaining VCR in the house- and pushed play. It just happened to be the homecoming game my senior year of high school when I twirled fire.

I know, right... WOW.. fire! I thought for sure my son would be impressed with his ninja, fire-twirling mommy. Umm... not so much. I told Noah that was me when I was seventeen and in high school and he watched, stone-faced until the very end.

When it was all over, the crowd roared and I looked at my son's face, waiting for him to proclaim me the coolest mommy in all christendom. Instead, I got:

" Umm... Mommy? That looked really dangerous. I'm thinking you aren't supposed to play with fire."

And then he went back to playing his Geo Trax trains as if nothing had happened.

Maybe If I light his LIGHT SABRE on fire and twirl it.... I dunno.

Fall in NJ

Growing up in Texas, I don't remember ever having a pumpkin patch to go to. You just went to the store and bought a pumpkin. As much as I hate New Jersey in the winter, I equally love it in the fall. The leaves are absolutely beautiful! The air gets slightly crisp but not cold and all the farms have pumpkin picking, apple picking, hayrides and corn mazes. What fun!!

Saturday, I took the kids to Conte Farms in Tabernacle to pick pumpkins. The group we were with also wanted to go apple picking. So, although we didn't get any apples, we walked through the orchard with them and I used the opportunity to take pictures.

As always, my kids were angelic and absolutely loved posing for photos.

I think this next one is my absolute favorite. Hand someone a pitchfork and you have American Gothic. I love what my cousin, Lesley, had to say about it. She said it could be a literal depiction of Passive vs. Aggressive. Noah looks as if he is thinking, " Dear God, I'm a good kid. WHY, then must You punish me and require me to stand here and take pictures?" While Zoe is surely thinking, " Keep it up, lady and I'll make you EAT that camera!"

Noah and Zoe picked out their pumpkins and we posed with them. Afterwards, I had to carry those things out of the patch and wait for the wagon to come take us back up to the market. I kept wondering why I was being such a wimp and having to set them down and regrip them. They were just sliding out of my hands. When we weighed the pumpkins to pay for them, Noah's was 17.87 pounds, Zoe's was an even 18 pounds! Well, no wonder! I was schlepping thirty-six pounds of pumpkin around... ALONG with two kids, Zoe's backpack, a camera and a water bottle. Noah was really perturbed I made him carry the umbrella.

My handsome man:

Yeah... I'm cool!

Are we done with this nonsense yet?

After we paid for the pumpkins and put them in the van, we went back to the bakery where they had homemade apple cider doughnuts and apple cider! YUM! The kids both loved them and Zoe love the apple cider so much, I had to wrestle the cup back out of her hand so I could have a drink.

See her cider moustache?

Thought for the Day

I think the Mr Clean Magic Eraser is the most wonderful product ever invented. It has removed just about everything imaginable from my walls, tables, furniture and any hard surface. So, I was wondering this morning while getting dressed....

If the Magic Eraser is so awesome, why doesn't it remove stretch marks? Now THAT would be magic!!

Me Me Me

Ok, so Jodi gave me a blog award and I had to think on it for a few days because I suck at coming up with lists. If you don't care to read my boring list about me, because after all, it really is all about ME, then head over to Jodi's blog where it is all about her, and how she is pretty freakin' hilarious. Although I don't personally know Jodi, she is a friend of a friend. A friend that I think is hysterically funny and I feel that if I lived in the same geographic location as Jodi, we might be friends too.( Except for the fact she would probably hate me because I am a Deceptive Picture Facebooker) I like her. Not in a crazy cyber-stalker, blog-friend way, I really like her!

So.. to my lists. The rules of the award is that I have to come up with five categories and then list five things in each and then I have to pass it out to five other bloggers.

Five Places I've Lived:

1. Lumberton, TX

2. Silsbee, TX

3. Red Lodge, Suffolk, England

4. McGuire AFB, NJ

5. Browns Mills, NJ

Five Countries I've Visited:

1. United Kingdom ( England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland)

2. France

3. Italy

4. Canada

5. Switzerland

Five Things I Miss About Texas:

1. good Mexican food

2. good barbecue

3. high school football games

4.warmer winters

5. my family & friends

Five Things That Drive Me Batty:

1. Whining- adult or child

2. Insincerity

3. Crowds

4. A complete lack of respect for the english language in both grammar and spelling

5. Rush hour on the Ben Franklin and/or Walt Whitman bridges

Five Hobbies of Mine:

1. scrapbooking

2. playing flute

3. photography

4. reading

5. writing

Five People to Pass This On To:

1.Cassie, whom I've never met, but has a lot in common with me, fellow military wife and scrapbooker with a baby born in the same month and year as Zoe.

2.Vicky Jo, fellow Texan, photographer and scrapbooker who is insanely talented but probably won't see this much less participate because she has many irons on her fire.

3.Carrie, honorary Texan, fellow photographer, scrapooker and also a mom with an August 07 baby.

4.Aimee, fellow- New Jersey resident and amazingly strong ( and patient) mom. She has FOUR kids... she had one and then had triplets. She didn't even get to ease into it... from mom of one to mom of four... WOW! She makes my menial whining about motherhood seem, well, menial.

5.Julie, who is a busy busy busy mom, the classic soccer mom always on the go to soccer, golf, gymnastics.. you name it! Wow.. she makes me tired too.. and because even though her blog is called, Just a Wee Bit Busy, I don't think she's busy enough and needs to be assigned another task.

Is Sarcasm Genetic?

Tonight, Noah's homework was to write sentences using his spelling words. One of his spelling words was "pick". He kept saying things like, " I picked berries." and "I like picking berries". I was trying to gently steer him to just using "pick" rather than "picked" or "picking" because I didn't want him to get confused when it came time to write the words for the spelling test.

I didn't want to come right out and give him a sentence, so I was hinting around and throwing suggestions out and suddenly, Noah started using this odd announcer voice and said:

"LADIIIIIIEEEEES AND GEENTLEMEN! We have here a person that doesn't know how to help her child and use the word 'pick' in a senteeeeeeence!!!"

Smart ass.

He gets it from his father.

A Random Spiral Into Insanity

I'm currently existing on four hours of sleep. Zoe decided she absolutely did NOT want to sleep last night and there was a lot of restless crying and one spectacular hour-long tantrum that lasted from three to four a.m. I mean, the kind of tantrum where she kicks the walls and door and screeches and screams like someone is torturing her.

The first few times, I tried the Super Nanny approach and just went in her room and told her it was night-night time and put her in bed, followed by simply putting her back in bed with no talking. Every time I put her back in bed and left the room, the tantrum got worse. Noah was now awake and he had a soccer game early this morning. So... I quit going in the room.... I left her there to throw her fit and hoped she would fall asleep.

She eventually did... the tantrum ended at four a.m. but there was still intermittent half-asleep fits every ten to fifteen minutes between the hours of four and five a.m. At five a.m. she finally fell completely asleep.

My alarm went off this morning at seven thirty. I groaned and smacked it... Noah was lying beside me in bed snoring happily. I told him he could "have a sleepover" with me last night. Zoe was down for the count and I was soooo close to blowing off the soccer game. My entire body begged me to just roll over and go back to sleep. But, there was just one thing standing in my way..... today was my day to be Snack Mom.

Now I silently cursed the Team Mom who scheduled me for today. I am certain when she was doling out responsibility, she looked into the future with her omniscient powers and knew that I would be blowing off the soccer game today and well, we can't have THAT... so she scheduled me to bring snack to ensure my attendance. What's that?? You didn't know that Team Mom had omniscient power? Well, she does... so does Room Mom. I'm certain of it. They pass out the god-like "omni's" (omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent..) when the golden mom that has all her scheisse* together is crowned Team/Room Mom. Yup.. if you don't believe me, it's all in the information packet... they hand it out on the first day.. go read it. ( And the Team Mom said, " Let there be snack", and there was snack. And it was good. And she rested on the Sabbath and admired all the good work she had delegated to others)

That will never be me. I will never be the mom that has it all together. I am doing good to have it all in the same state..... don't ask me to have it all together too! I guess incompetence could be a good thing... I don't WANT that responsibility.. I'm fairly certain I would screw it up... so I'm glad no one places that on my shoulders.

I used to be very responsible... and together... and sane... and well, SHOWERED. But, these are all fleeting luxuries nowadays.... gone by the wayside to being responsible for two human lives. How's THAT for responsibility... I have to keep two things breathing day in and day out. I think a panic attack is setting in....

And in the spirit of being totally random, yet with one cohesive theme ( my lack of sanity due to those that sprang forth from my loins) I would like to direct you to this past Thursday night. **ahem.... channeling Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo**

Picture it, my bathroom, Thursday night. I finally thought I had a leg up on Zoe and in order to stop her new bathtime activity of using her little potty to pour water out of the tub, I simply removed the potty from the bathroom. Flash of brilliance.... look how the sheer genius is just radiating from me.....

(Less than five minutes later)

"Mommy! Zoe pooped."

Yes. She. Did.

You know how a dog will punish you by tearing up your couch cushion, eating your newspaper or, say, peeing in your shoe? Yeah..... well.. Zoe pooped.

Zoe pooped in the bathtub that was full of toys and full of two kids.... then climbed out, squatted and pooped on the bathroom rug... in three separate distinct places. I cleared the kids from the tub and set up a haz-mat zone. I took the toys to the kitchen sink where they would later be soaked in bleach water and I went to decontaminating the bathroom. Since my darling spawns had been swimming with the... umm... er..... "foreign objects", I made them remain naked because after I was done scooping poop out of the tub and then scrubbing said tub,they needed to bathe again. At that point, I swear I would have sold my soul for a second bathroom.

As my naked children were chasing each other up and down the hallway screaming and laughing and I was up to my eyeballs in excrement, my most adored son, love-of-my-life says, " Mommy! Zoe pooped in my room!"

And she did.

All over his room.

In four separate piles.

Now, I would love to tell you the next thing that happened was I sat up in bed, sweating and realized it was all a bad dream... but, alas, it was real. I lost track of what happened next. I know the mess was cleaned, the kids were bathed and put to bed.. and at some point I came back to my senses and realized I was sitting in the fetal position in the kitchen corner surrounded by Reese's wrappers and Doritos bags.

I'm just kidding.

I was on the couch.

*shit

Craftiness- Halloween 2009

I haven't posted anything crafty in awhile... here is the Halloween decoration I made for my entryway....

It is made entirely of punched squares from the Basic Grey Eerie line.

I also made these for treats

...also using Basic Grey's Eerie line, a scallop punch and a border punch.

And last are my little ghosts for the front yard I made by draping white cotton fabric over Styrofoam balls and dowel rods (for legs).

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!