A Random Spiral Into Insanity

I'm currently existing on four hours of sleep. Zoe decided she absolutely did NOT want to sleep last night and there was a lot of restless crying and one spectacular hour-long tantrum that lasted from three to four a.m. I mean, the kind of tantrum where she kicks the walls and door and screeches and screams like someone is torturing her.

The first few times, I tried the Super Nanny approach and just went in her room and told her it was night-night time and put her in bed, followed by simply putting her back in bed with no talking. Every time I put her back in bed and left the room, the tantrum got worse. Noah was now awake and he had a soccer game early this morning. So... I quit going in the room.... I left her there to throw her fit and hoped she would fall asleep.

She eventually did... the tantrum ended at four a.m. but there was still intermittent half-asleep fits every ten to fifteen minutes between the hours of four and five a.m. At five a.m. she finally fell completely asleep.

My alarm went off this morning at seven thirty. I groaned and smacked it... Noah was lying beside me in bed snoring happily. I told him he could "have a sleepover" with me last night. Zoe was down for the count and I was soooo close to blowing off the soccer game. My entire body begged me to just roll over and go back to sleep. But, there was just one thing standing in my way..... today was my day to be Snack Mom.

Now I silently cursed the Team Mom who scheduled me for today. I am certain when she was doling out responsibility, she looked into the future with her omniscient powers and knew that I would be blowing off the soccer game today and well, we can't have THAT... so she scheduled me to bring snack to ensure my attendance. What's that?? You didn't know that Team Mom had omniscient power? Well, she does... so does Room Mom. I'm certain of it. They pass out the god-like "omni's" (omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent..) when the golden mom that has all her scheisse* together is crowned Team/Room Mom. Yup.. if you don't believe me, it's all in the information packet... they hand it out on the first day.. go read it. ( And the Team Mom said, " Let there be snack", and there was snack. And it was good. And she rested on the Sabbath and admired all the good work she had delegated to others)

That will never be me. I will never be the mom that has it all together. I am doing good to have it all in the same state..... don't ask me to have it all together too! I guess incompetence could be a good thing... I don't WANT that responsibility.. I'm fairly certain I would screw it up... so I'm glad no one places that on my shoulders.

I used to be very responsible... and together... and sane... and well, SHOWERED. But, these are all fleeting luxuries nowadays.... gone by the wayside to being responsible for two human lives. How's THAT for responsibility... I have to keep two things breathing day in and day out. I think a panic attack is setting in....

And in the spirit of being totally random, yet with one cohesive theme ( my lack of sanity due to those that sprang forth from my loins) I would like to direct you to this past Thursday night. **ahem.... channeling Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo**

Picture it, my bathroom, Thursday night. I finally thought I had a leg up on Zoe and in order to stop her new bathtime activity of using her little potty to pour water out of the tub, I simply removed the potty from the bathroom. Flash of brilliance.... look how the sheer genius is just radiating from me.....

(Less than five minutes later)

"Mommy! Zoe pooped."

Yes. She. Did.

You know how a dog will punish you by tearing up your couch cushion, eating your newspaper or, say, peeing in your shoe? Yeah..... well.. Zoe pooped.

Zoe pooped in the bathtub that was full of toys and full of two kids.... then climbed out, squatted and pooped on the bathroom rug... in three separate distinct places. I cleared the kids from the tub and set up a haz-mat zone. I took the toys to the kitchen sink where they would later be soaked in bleach water and I went to decontaminating the bathroom. Since my darling spawns had been swimming with the... umm... er..... "foreign objects", I made them remain naked because after I was done scooping poop out of the tub and then scrubbing said tub,they needed to bathe again. At that point, I swear I would have sold my soul for a second bathroom.

As my naked children were chasing each other up and down the hallway screaming and laughing and I was up to my eyeballs in excrement, my most adored son, love-of-my-life says, " Mommy! Zoe pooped in my room!"

And she did.

All over his room.

In four separate piles.

Now, I would love to tell you the next thing that happened was I sat up in bed, sweating and realized it was all a bad dream... but, alas, it was real. I lost track of what happened next. I know the mess was cleaned, the kids were bathed and put to bed.. and at some point I came back to my senses and realized I was sitting in the fetal position in the kitchen corner surrounded by Reese's wrappers and Doritos bags.

I'm just kidding.

I was on the couch.

*shit