Journey Straight to the Asylum

Sorry I am just finally getting around to this, but here is my chronicle of half of my trip to Texas. You only get day one and a very abridged version of day two, because by day two, I was addicted to DJ's Blackberry.

All the great writers took some sort of trip for inspiration. I am embarking on my journey. I'm in a freakin' mini van driving from New Jersey to Texas. Thus begins the chronicle of my journey straight to the asylum.

Day 1

8:15 pull out of the driveway

8:17 Zoe is unhappy

8:17:20 gave Zoe Cheerios, Zoe is happy again.

Other than a few minor scuffles, we're good until 10:15 when Noah pulls out his Lego RV and Zoe yells, " MINE!" Noah fires back, " No! It's NOT YOURS!" Scuffle ensues.

DJ asks Noah to share a Lego person with Zoe upon which Noah points out vehemently, " They're not for children under three!"

I reply, " It's fine ! Give it to her!!"

"But she's TWO!" the fruit of my loins bellows.

"Well, I'm her mother and I say it's OK!"

[exasperated grunt]

10:18 Zoe decides she wants the RV and I realize we are traveling with a caveman as she continuously belts out two-word commands at full volume.

10:30 I give in and put a movie in the DVD player. There's a brief nuclear meltdown/misunderstanding regarding earphones, but it is resolved and everyone is happy again by 10:36.

Pennsylvania really is a beautiful state. I can't help but wonder if we dropped the kids off at one of these Amish farms, would they even notice the extra offspring?

If Noah asks what state we are in one more time, I am going to answer with, "hysteria". Yep, Amish life might be good for him.

We are behind a truck labelled, "Infectious Medical Waste" and as we round the curve some liquid sloshes out of the top. Should I be concerned?

As soon as we cross the border into West Virginia, there is a very large trailer park. Come ON.... make me work for the jokes, please! Other than that, West Virginia is very pretty too.... and for some reason, Noah breaks into "Mountain Momma" which is funny because I have no idea where he heard that song.

It becomes apparent to me that the farther south we get, the number of billboard messages I receive from Jesus increases exponentially. I ponder.. is that because Jesus is more concerned about the south, or because he wrote the sin-ridden Yanks off a long time ago and just doesn't bother? Either way, it makes me giggle.

Q: What did Tenne-see?

A: He saw what Arkan-sas(w)!

Hahahahahaha!

Around six p.m. eastern standard time, Noah begins pointing out the Super 8 motels asking to stop.

He then proceeds to point out every Super 8 at every exit we pass for the next four hours when we finally reach Knoxville, TN and pull over- at a LaQuinta- to stop for the night.

Noah: " Is 'LaQuinta' Spanish for Super 8??"

DJ and myself: " YES!" So he will shut up.

Day 2:

Full of Blackberry surfing the internet and chatting on Facebook. I am starting to understand the term "crackberry". DJ informs me that our phones are due for an upgrade with a wink.

We covered the rest of Tennessee which is incredibly breathtaking... especially Chattanooga. As always, Alabama and Mississippi bored the hell out of me. They are so boring to drive through.. there is NOTHING to see!

Fast forward! We made it to Louisiana and I-10 and were not disappointed. I-1o is always full of traffic and the road conditions are terrible. I'm struck by the irony of the signs Louisiana so proudly displays along the roads stating that they have accepted no tainted federal money for the improvement of their roads... while driving over CRAPPY roads! Hmmm...... Nonetheless, it is good to be back in the land of my coon ass roots and one state closer to home!

As we approach Lake Charles, Louisiana, I smell the refineries and inhale deeply. The smell of home..... we're so close now. Then, we cross the bridge into Texas and I am reminded of Texas' flagrant pride in itself by the ginormous star posted by the side of the road at the "Welcome to Texas" rest stop.

Ah....it's good to be home.