Confessions from the Day I Couldn't Be Optimistic

For the most part I like to view life with the philosophy of "It's good to be alive." But sometimes I get caught up in the little things and I can't push it away. It's really been bothering me lately and I thought I would use this as my way to get it out. If you aren't in the mood for "woe is me" then move on now.

Still here? Wow.

I feel like I've had to put my life on hold for the good of the military. My current situation makes it so that I am unable to work. I am unable to get my master's degree and unable to DO anything that makes me feel like I am more than just someone's wife and mother. A military spouse. And frankly, some days I just want to kick Uncle Sam in his star-spangled nuts.

When we first arrived at our current post ( umm... TEN YEARS AGO) I worked full time. We had no children making it much easier, but there were still problems that popped up reminding me that I was in a different world than my co-workers. For example, we lived in base housing at the time and when something needed repair, we were slave to the military's whim and schedule. If my husband was deployed (which he often was from 2001-2003) it was my responsibility to be home for the repairmen. My employer had a hard time understanding when I would say, " The heat is broken again and they are coming to repair it tomorrow- sometime between 7:30 am and 4:30 pm. So, if they show up early, I will come in to work after they leave. But if they don't show up until four o'clock, I obviously can't make it."

Yes, they really gave us windows like that- "We'll be there sometime between 7:30 and 16:30 Tuesday." Our housing was built in the 1950's and therefore frequently needed repair much to the chagrin of my employer who only had experience with the civilian world and being able to schedule repair on evenings or weekends.

Another thing my employer frequently did not understand, was snow days. If it would snow five or six inches, work would still begin at normal time. Reason being that we are equipped to handle that kind of snow in this state and roads were continuously plowed and treated overnight and people could get in to work. But, living on an air force base means that the mission is the priority. The runways and major roads on base were the first things to be plowed. Housing was very low on the priority list. Usually, they base would delay opening time to around 10:30 to give the plows time to dig out the housing residents and for them to report to work. Now, six inches isn't much of a big deal, I can shovel that from the sidewalk and shovel out my car, but I cannot shovel a path out of the entire parking lot and down the road. So, I was stuck until a plow came by. And my employer had a hard time with that as well.

The lack of understanding was not just one-sided. The military didn't seem to understand or care about those spouses that worked full time off base either. We had a rule that on recycle and trash days, the bins were supposed to be in from the curb by 17:00 ( that's five p.m.). Trouble was I got off work at five and didn't get home until almost six p.m. I cannot tell you how many times I got written up for my bin still being on the curb. I kept telling them that my husband was deployed and I didn't get home until six. The response I got was that rules were rules and others didn't seem to have a problem with this. Finally, my neighbor took pity on me and she started moving my bins in for me.

Once while my husband was deployed ( and you know things ALWAYS happen when they are gone) my military ID went missing. I always put it in my center console in the car and one day it wasn't there. (about a year later when my husband was running a wire for the radio and pulled out the console, he found the ID.. it had slipped in the crack between the inside of the console and fallen underneath it). So, I'm sitting at the gate into housing at six p.m. after a long day of work and can't find my ID. The guard won't budge and let me on. So, I called my neighbor and she came and escorted me on. Well, the pass and ID office of course closes at 4:30, so that meant that I was going to have to get a new one the next day when they opened at 7:30. If I planned it just right, I could get right in ( yeah, right!) get my ID and get to work by 8:30 when I was supposed to be there. I warned my boss I might be " a little late", left early the next morning, had a friend take me to pass and ID ( you know because I couldn't get on the main base without an ID) where I was promptly told that I cannot get an ID on my own. The active duty military member had to be present with me. Umm... he's in freakin' Afghanistan... don't think he'll be making it in here today. They wouldn't budge. I left, crying and drove to work. That afternoon, I had someone meet me again at the gate so I could freaking get into housing and GO TO MY HOUSE. I was relaying this to another neighbor whose husband was a Master Sergeant in my husband's squadron and although he was not my husband's supervisor, he accompanied me to the office the next morning, told them he was my husband's supervisor and was able to "escort" me to get a new ID. Thank God for awesome military friends ( and their husbands).

So, yes, these are just a few of the problems I had as a working woman. When the kids were born, we realized I would have to stay at home with them. We have no family nearby to help out with childcare and regular childcare at daycare centers just cost too much. I would be working to pay for their child care and not much more. Add in the gas to drive to and from work, we would break even. So, we decided I would stay home.

And now that both of them are in school, I have free time, but not enough of it to work. Office jobs would be a long drive. In the immediate area there are mainly retail-type jobs. And retail requires weekends and evenings, neither of which I can do because of my husband's job and hours. Honestly who is going to hire someone that says, " I can't work weekends, or evenings, or school holidays, or if one of the kids is sick. I can work weekdays during the day, though, but I can't make it to work until around 9:30 after school drop-off and I would have to leave no later than 2:50 for school pickup. Oh, yeah, and once a month, I have to volunteer at my daughter's preschool which is mandatory for using their preschool program. Did I mention that I would need to leave early on the days the kids get out of school early? And don't forget, I can't work during the summer, only during the schoolyear." ?

Ummm, yeah... nobody.

Do y'all remember that last January I started working on my Master's degree? Well, I didn't particularly like the school I was going through and it turned out to be really bad timing. I did well in my classes, but at the expense of spending quality time with my daughter. I ended up having to park her in front of cartoons on more days than I care to mention so I could study. I didn't want that, so after I completed that term, I withdrew, thinking I could revisit the idea this fall when Zoe started preschool. Except for the fact that the program for military spouses that was funding my venture was canceled. So, now I am back at square one.

If I were still local to the area where I am from, I could be teaching school and earn my master's from my alma mater for a lot less money than it would cost me here. I would have family to fall back on when something came up- and I had work/school. I could have a life.

I know, I CHOSE to marry a military man. I did. And I wouldn't change that, but I still feel sorry for myself every once in awhile. I still feel sometimes like the families of military members make greater sacrifices than the members themselves. It's hard and it's thankless. And I'm not asking for pity, or sympathy. I don't want a medal or for you to tell me how brave/selfless/appreciated I am. Because I'm none of those things. I'm a person that just deals with the situation placed before her, just like anyone else would do. I'm a person that for the most part loves my life and would still choose the same path if I had it to do over again. I am a person that tries as best she can to be a supportive wife and mother and to wear many hats at one time. I am a person that laments the fact that my children don't know their cousins or their grandparents very well. I am a person that tries to make the family bond tight in our little family, because we are all we have. I am a person that sometimes feels a little sorry for herself. But tomorrow, I will wake up, having cleansed this from my soul and I will put on my stay-at-home mommy hat, give it my own little personal touch (adding a little pom pom fringe because I'm weird like that)...

... and I will smile and go out in the world.

Because I am a military spouse and I persevere.

(and doggone it, people like me!- channeling Jack Handy** from SNL because as I typed that last line, I couldn't help but think of it)

** my husband totally called me out on this- it's Stuart Smalley, NOT Jack Handy. I knew that, I don't know what I was thinking. Apparently I'm losing my memory on top of everything else.