Empty

It's funny how the heart works.

A few hours ago, I drove home, I unbuckled the youngest from her carseat, unlocked the house, walked in and began preparing dinner. Just like almost every other day. But this one was different. Not completely out of the ordinary, mind you, but different from an average day.

Half my heart left today- for one hundred and twenty days. And since I've been a military wife for twelve years, this is nothing new to me. I've done this before. Yes, I now know what to expect, what to do in his absence and I've matured and learned to handle it all much better. But, it isn't any easier than it was that very first time that he left.

I walked in the house today and I was overcome by that empty feeling. The same empty feeling that overcomes me every single time he leaves. Suddenly, I am that twenty-six-year-old newlywed that landed in a foreign country six days after her wedding. Then, nine days after landing in that foreign country, drove back to my house off-base without my husband because he had just deployed. I walked through the door, the emptiness overwhelmed me and I looked around our home- the place that just didn't even feel like home yet, and I felt lost. I felt every mile that separated the two of us and I felt every mile that separated me from the United States where all of my friends and family were. That first day was the hardest. It always is. Then, I went to bed and I woke up with that first day behind me and low and behold, I had survived. And it was a little easier than the day before it. That is how I made it through that deployment- one day at a time. That is how I have made it through every deployment since.

Yes, technically, this is "old hat" for me. But it isn't any easier. And tonight, I sit with that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and I feel that twenty-six-year-old newlywed crying, lost and lonely. I reassure her that everything will be okay and when she wakes up tomorrow, it will be one day closer to the day he is home again.

And so she and I will take it one day at a time.