Failures

Do you ever have those days when you feel that you fail at everything you do? Those days when everything seems to go wrong and just taunt you with your own shortcomings?

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As I type this, Noah is in his room throwing things at his door and screaming, " I hate you! I LITERALLY hate you!" Yes, he is really using the word, "literally". This tantrum is comparable to a Zoe fit. He spent all morning and afternoon putting together his Hagrid's Hut Lego kit. He brought it in the living room for me to see earlier and was so proud. I praised him but told him to be careful carrying it around, because those things were not meant to be moved. He set it on the end table and played with it off and on all day.

Around 8, I told them both that I desperately needed a shower and they should play nicely and get along. I only needed about 20 minutes. They agreed. Less than two minutes after I closed and locked the bathroom door, I heard Noah crying. I also heard Zoe asking him what was wrong, so I knew she didn't do it. He responded by yelling at her. I quickly hopped in the shower and washed my hair, all the while listening to Noah wailing like a baby. I got out of the shower and it turns out, when I went in the bathroom, he tried picking up Hagrid's Hut and moving it over to the couch and it fell apart. He was crying that it was going to take him a week to put it back together. I let him know I was very sorry it was broken, but I told him to leave it in one place and it was not meant to be moved. He started screaming at me.

I don't care how upset he is, I will not tolerate him treating me that way, so I scooped up the pieces of Hagrid's Hut and took them to his room and told him he was going to bed. He tried to pick up the large piece still in tact and while walking through the living room, dropped it causing it to shatter into a million pieces. At that point, he laid down in the floor and started failing and screaming like a toddler. I calmly picked him up and took him in his room. I told him it was obviously time for him to go to bed and it was at that point he started screaming and throwing things. I put him in the bed and closed the door. He hasn't come out.. but he is making it clear he "literally hates" me.

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When we adopted our dog, we noted that her previous owners had obviously worked with her and trained her. She follows several commands and was very well-behaved. The thing we noticed and liked most was she had been trained not to jump up on people. She would wag her tail furiously, pace around you and lick you to death, but she did not jump. Since DJ left, her behavior has changed. She does not listen to me. I use a firm voice and raise my voice, but she won't mind me. The last few times people have come over, she has jumped up on them and when I try and scold her, she just doesn't listen. She keeps jumping. I noticed today, that now, when I go outside with her, she jumps up on me. Full force, paws on my chest, almost knocked me down. I scolded her and she got down. But as soon as I started walking, she jumped again.

Score two for me- even the dog doesn't listen to me.

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A dear friend was over yesterday and we were discussing Noah's recent behavior and Zoe's general behavior. Zoe has started spitting at people when she is mad. The friend told me that she used to admire my patience with my children. She understood and saw that Zoe was more challenging than most kids and that I was on top of her as far as reacting immediately when Zoe did things like spit. But, she realized the flip side of the coin was that perhaps I was too patient. She thinks Zoe's behavior is because I am TOO patient. She said her daughter spit at her once and she immediately smacked her face and the shock factor caused her daughter to realized she had done something majorly wrong and she never did it again. She suggested that my patience is causing the problems. She also pointed out that once, when she was watching Zoe for me, Zoe was eating lunch and threw her food on the floor. My friend immediately popped Zoe on the hand and it shocked Zoe and she quit. She said a few weeks later, I was over at her house and we were eating lunch and Zoe acted like she was going to spit out her food and I got very stern and said, "Zoe, DO NOT spit out your food!" and Zoe stopped and swallowed. She said I looked very happy that she listened to me, but what I didn't see was that when Zoe stopped, she cut her eyes sideways at my friend- remembering the smack on the hand she received- and THEN she swallowed.

Score three for me- other people can parent my children- but I suck at it.

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And lastly- I honestly don't know why I expect the dog and the kids to listen to me when no one else takes me seriously. People think they are subtle, but I notice. I cannot tell you how many times- VERY OFTEN- I am talking to someone and then realized they have totally tuned me out and are focusing their attention elsewhere. How many times I just stop mid-sentence and they don't even notice. Seriously, it happens a lot. So.. yes... if adults don't take me seriously, why should I expect my children or the dog to.

And the fact is- when I was younger- I was interesting. I was intelligent. I was funny. I always had a great story to tell or something interesting or funny to say. I could carry on a conversation with almost anyone. I could banter, debate and discuss almost anything.

Now? I can tell you how much the kids and the dog weigh. I can tell you who Max and Ruby and Phineas and Ferb are. I know which day is cheese pizza day at the elementary school and what time Zoe eats lunch and snack at preschool. I know when to put Noah in sweats for gym day and what location and time to deliver Zoe to tumble tots and Noah to soccer practice.

But who cares about all that? No one needs to know that information but me. And all the other stuff? The pop culture stuff and newsworthy things? I would love to know about it... but I'm just too tired. And defeated.