Teenager?

Since when did my 7-year-old son turn 14? Apparently he has aged over the past few weeks because he has developed the smart mouth and sarcastic reasoning that usually comes with teenagerdom.

Last night, I asked him to feed the dog. "Noah, feed the dog, please."

"What does that mean?"

"It means FEED THE DOG! NOW DO IT!"

"What's a dog?"

"You're gonna be a dog and sleep in her corner while I let her sleep in your bed if you don't FEED THE DOG NOW!"

He fed the dog.

This morning, I was putting away clothes in my bedroom and I heard them arguing in the living room. Zoe appeared in my room to say, " Mommy, Noah called me a baby."

"Zoe, you know you are not a baby. Don't worry about what Noah says, but tell him to stop saying mean words."

"NOAH! Mommy say don't say, 'baby' NO MORE!"

And then I hear Noah singing, "Ba-by! Baaaa-by. Stupid, stupid, DUMB! Stu-pid, baaa-by, baby, baby DUMB!"

All the words I have told him repeatedly not to say because they aren't nice.

I walked in the living room and said very matter-of-factly, "You've lost your DSi for three days. We will talk about it again on Thursday!"

Noah looked shocked.

And then he started crying. "WHY!?"

"Because I heard you in here being nasty to your sister. Why would you be so nasty to her?"

**still crying** "Because she was bugging me!"

"Well, Noah, that is no excuse to be mean to her! Calling her stupid, dumb and a baby is incredibly mean!"

And then came the moment where he changed from seven-year-old to fourteen-year-old. In an instant, he dried up the tears and I saw him put on his smug face and then he said:

"I wasn't calling HER those names. I was just saying them to myself."

"No, you weren't! You were singing it and calling her those names."

"No I WASN'T I was just singing quietly to myself."

"Well, your 'quietly to yourself' was loud enough for me to hear it in the back of the house! Just don't say those words at all! You know they are not nice!"

**pause**

"Well, what if we see a baby out in a store or something? Then, I can't say the word, 'baby' !?"

"And now you've lost the DSi for a week."

And the thing is, he didn't seem that upset about it. He got up and went in his room and started happily playing.

And then he came in the living room and said, " I'm bored. Not having a DSi is DUMB!!"

As I type this, he is sitting at my kitchen table writing, "I will not call Zoe a baby" fifty times. Or at least he is sitting at the kitchen table crying how unfair it is that I have told him he can't get up until he is done. He hates to write. And he also needs practice on his terrible handwriting.

Two birds- one stone.

Yeah me.

Now where can I get some chocolate and wine at 10:30 am?

The Entrepeneur

My son desperately wants to make some money and he is scheming as to how to make it. I suggested that he help his mother shovel the foot of snow we awoke to find waiting in our yard and driveway today and/or with other things around the house; but he quickly balked at that idea. Those things are deemed "too hard". He would much rather make an easy buck.

This evening, he came in from playing outside in the snow (he had a snow day) and excitedly informed me that he had it. His next business idea. He is going to go door-to-door and sell snowman parts.

Digest that for a second.

I asked exactly what all the term "snowman parts" included. He said, "You know... sticks, carrots, coal..."

"So... things you can get for FREE in your yard and refrigerator?", I replied.

"Well, yeah, but..."

And then his friend interjected that Noah planned to charge $10 for a carrot nose.

"That's extortion!", I exclaimed.

"What?"

"Never mind. You are not selling snowman parts. And besides, I don't let you roam this neighborhood freely anyway and you can be certain I am not walking around with you to sell snowman parts."

He gave up on that idea and I thought the whole thing was put to rest.

Until about ten minutes ago, when the child that is supposed to be sleeping came tearing out of his room all wild-eyed and breathless and said, "Mommy! I've got it! I know how I'm going to make money!"

"Why aren't you asleep? Oh right... savvy, determined businessmen rarely sleep."

"I'm going to get the snow shovel and attach it to my Gator (PowerWheels) with bungee cords like a plow on front...."

[I started thinking that sounded like a good idea if we could really figure out how to attach the snow shovel to the front and make it work. But, I could have used that ingenuity twelve hours ago when I was shoveling a foot of snow out of my driveway.]

"... and then I will go door-to-door and ask if people have pets. If they do, then I will tell them, 'Well, I bet your pet is very sad he or she can't freely run and play in your yard with all the snow. I have a solution. I can plow a path around your yard for your pet.' "

I informed him that was a sweet thought, but the only people we knew with pets are two of our neighbors. His friend has a dog, but also two teenage siblings that help shovel so they don't need anyone to plow a spot for their dog. And the other neighbor pays the two teenagers to shovel her yard for her, so she wouldn't be in need of the services either.

Back to the drawing board.

I'll keep you posted as to his next business idea.

Snowflake

I see you snowflake

dancing in the breeze

playfully tumbling

outside my window

begging for someone

to come out and play.

I see you snowflake

calling my children

out to play

with the promise

of snow angels and forts

snowball fights and snowmen

and if they are lucky

a snow day.

I see you snowflake

taunting me

teasing me

reminding me to salt the walk

shovel the drive

play with the dog.

I see you little snowflake

at first glance

you are beautiful

but I am not impressed

Go back where you came from!

You are not welcome here!

S-E-X

Every night, our bedtime routine is the same. Everyone, including the dog, walks Noah into his room and tells him good night. I give him a kiss and Zoe climbs up in his bed so she can give him a kiss (and have an excuse to be in his loft bed which she loves). Then, we go to Zoe's room and have to kiss Zoe and various different stuffed animals and wish them all good night.

Last night, Zoe climbed up on Noah's bed to kiss him good night and, like every night, Noah tried to push her away because he doesn't like her kissing him. Except last night, Noah started saying, "No sex, Zoe! NO SEX!! "

I was stunned.

ME: (casually) What did you say?

NOAH: I said, "No sex!"

ME: What does that mean?

NOAH: That's odd. YOU don't know what sex means?

ME: Yes, I know what sex means. I've just never heard you use that word before and was wondering if you knew what it meant.

NOAH: Umm.. YEAH.. it means kissing in bed.

ME: (silently thanking all that is holy that was what he thought it meant) And where did you hear about that?

NOAH: I just know it.

ME: Well, someone had to have said that word or told you what it meant.

NOAH: Nope. I just know it. Kissing in bed.

ME: Well, I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with your three-year-old sister kissing you good night.

NOAH: Okay. You know what else??

ME: (bracing for "what else") What?

NOAH: It smells like poop in here. I think the dog farted! (collapsing in a fit of giggles)

Today I am thankful for:

1. The short attention span of a seven-year-old.

2. The naivete of a seven-year-old.

And most importantly for:

3. The fact that potty humor trumps cool new words that get a rise out of your mother any day.

Failures

Do you ever have those days when you feel that you fail at everything you do? Those days when everything seems to go wrong and just taunt you with your own shortcomings?

**********

As I type this, Noah is in his room throwing things at his door and screaming, " I hate you! I LITERALLY hate you!" Yes, he is really using the word, "literally". This tantrum is comparable to a Zoe fit. He spent all morning and afternoon putting together his Hagrid's Hut Lego kit. He brought it in the living room for me to see earlier and was so proud. I praised him but told him to be careful carrying it around, because those things were not meant to be moved. He set it on the end table and played with it off and on all day.

Around 8, I told them both that I desperately needed a shower and they should play nicely and get along. I only needed about 20 minutes. They agreed. Less than two minutes after I closed and locked the bathroom door, I heard Noah crying. I also heard Zoe asking him what was wrong, so I knew she didn't do it. He responded by yelling at her. I quickly hopped in the shower and washed my hair, all the while listening to Noah wailing like a baby. I got out of the shower and it turns out, when I went in the bathroom, he tried picking up Hagrid's Hut and moving it over to the couch and it fell apart. He was crying that it was going to take him a week to put it back together. I let him know I was very sorry it was broken, but I told him to leave it in one place and it was not meant to be moved. He started screaming at me.

I don't care how upset he is, I will not tolerate him treating me that way, so I scooped up the pieces of Hagrid's Hut and took them to his room and told him he was going to bed. He tried to pick up the large piece still in tact and while walking through the living room, dropped it causing it to shatter into a million pieces. At that point, he laid down in the floor and started failing and screaming like a toddler. I calmly picked him up and took him in his room. I told him it was obviously time for him to go to bed and it was at that point he started screaming and throwing things. I put him in the bed and closed the door. He hasn't come out.. but he is making it clear he "literally hates" me.

**********

When we adopted our dog, we noted that her previous owners had obviously worked with her and trained her. She follows several commands and was very well-behaved. The thing we noticed and liked most was she had been trained not to jump up on people. She would wag her tail furiously, pace around you and lick you to death, but she did not jump. Since DJ left, her behavior has changed. She does not listen to me. I use a firm voice and raise my voice, but she won't mind me. The last few times people have come over, she has jumped up on them and when I try and scold her, she just doesn't listen. She keeps jumping. I noticed today, that now, when I go outside with her, she jumps up on me. Full force, paws on my chest, almost knocked me down. I scolded her and she got down. But as soon as I started walking, she jumped again.

Score two for me- even the dog doesn't listen to me.

**********

A dear friend was over yesterday and we were discussing Noah's recent behavior and Zoe's general behavior. Zoe has started spitting at people when she is mad. The friend told me that she used to admire my patience with my children. She understood and saw that Zoe was more challenging than most kids and that I was on top of her as far as reacting immediately when Zoe did things like spit. But, she realized the flip side of the coin was that perhaps I was too patient. She thinks Zoe's behavior is because I am TOO patient. She said her daughter spit at her once and she immediately smacked her face and the shock factor caused her daughter to realized she had done something majorly wrong and she never did it again. She suggested that my patience is causing the problems. She also pointed out that once, when she was watching Zoe for me, Zoe was eating lunch and threw her food on the floor. My friend immediately popped Zoe on the hand and it shocked Zoe and she quit. She said a few weeks later, I was over at her house and we were eating lunch and Zoe acted like she was going to spit out her food and I got very stern and said, "Zoe, DO NOT spit out your food!" and Zoe stopped and swallowed. She said I looked very happy that she listened to me, but what I didn't see was that when Zoe stopped, she cut her eyes sideways at my friend- remembering the smack on the hand she received- and THEN she swallowed.

Score three for me- other people can parent my children- but I suck at it.

**********

And lastly- I honestly don't know why I expect the dog and the kids to listen to me when no one else takes me seriously. People think they are subtle, but I notice. I cannot tell you how many times- VERY OFTEN- I am talking to someone and then realized they have totally tuned me out and are focusing their attention elsewhere. How many times I just stop mid-sentence and they don't even notice. Seriously, it happens a lot. So.. yes... if adults don't take me seriously, why should I expect my children or the dog to.

And the fact is- when I was younger- I was interesting. I was intelligent. I was funny. I always had a great story to tell or something interesting or funny to say. I could carry on a conversation with almost anyone. I could banter, debate and discuss almost anything.

Now? I can tell you how much the kids and the dog weigh. I can tell you who Max and Ruby and Phineas and Ferb are. I know which day is cheese pizza day at the elementary school and what time Zoe eats lunch and snack at preschool. I know when to put Noah in sweats for gym day and what location and time to deliver Zoe to tumble tots and Noah to soccer practice.

But who cares about all that? No one needs to know that information but me. And all the other stuff? The pop culture stuff and newsworthy things? I would love to know about it... but I'm just too tired. And defeated.

Conversations With Zoe

Upon picking Zoe up from school this afternoon I was met with this conversation:

ZOE: Mommy? What does "crap" mean?

ME: Ummm... that's not a very nice word. We shouldn't say "crap".

ZOE: (looking completely confused) "Crap" not a nice word?

ME: Where did you hear it?

ZOE: At school. We singed about it.

ME: Okay.... well, why don't you sing the song to me and maybe I can tell you what word you are talking about.

ZOE: (singing) Crap it open, crap it open, crap it oooopen just now...

ME: Ohhhhhh!!! Is this the "Found A Peanut" song?

ZOE: Yeah! (singing again) Crap it open, crap it open crap it oooopen just now.....

I did correct her. But I didn't want to. I kind of like, "crap it open".

So This is Why Animals Eat Their Young

My kids are acting weird. Like- full moon weird- but it isn't going away.

Let's start with Noah. Normally a well-behaved kid, he suddenly has forgotten all manners when out in public. Some friends took us to dinner Friday evening for a belated birthday dinner for me. Noah just got up from the table and started wandering around the restaurant. I told him to come sit down and he did, and then he got right back up and I thought he was going to the bathroom, but he went all the way across the restaurant and was just standing over by another table of diners staring at them and the decorations on the wall around them. At some point, I was so wrapped up in dealing with the constant attention required of a three-year-old that I didn't realize Noah went missing again. I looked around for him and he had slid out of his chair and was rolling around on the floor. He's SEVEN YEARS OLD!!

Today, I took the kids to brunch at one of our favorite local restaurants and I had the same problem. I took Zoe to the restroom and came back and saw that he had taken his shoes off. Before that, he was slumped all the way down in his seat practically lying down and by the time we were getting ready to leave, he was loudly making weird noises. I kept throwing THE LOOK at him and threatening his life, but he didn't seem to care.

As for Zoe- she has suddenly decided to become a control freak and decide that she doesn't like to go to the bathroom. Ever. She holds it until she can't hold it anymore and has an accident. This started before her father left, so that has nothing to do with it. I cannot think of any reason she is doing this other than control. She wants to control the situation. She hasn't had problems with using the restroom since school started and now all of a sudden, we are having to carry spare clothes around with us everywhere. Even when I force her to sit on the toilet, she is screaming and crying that she doesn't have to go WHILE she is peeing. Defiant to the very end.

Her first day back at school after the Christmas break, she wet herself and peed all over the chair and floor in the computer area. When we went to dinner Friday night, I took her to the bathroom in the restaurant and she cried and insisted she didn't have to go while I held her on the toilet. She didn't go and after a few minutes and turning on the sink, I let her get down. When we left the restaurant- it was FIFTEEN DEGREES outside! I stood in the freezing cold buckling her in her carseat, closed the door and went around to get in the driver's seat. I put the van in reverse and she said, "Help! I pee-peed in my panties!" I had to get out, get her spare clothes out of the back of the van, unstrap her and change her while standing in FIFTEEN DEGREE WEATHER.

Saturday, after she woke up I told her to go to the bathroom. She went in there and I heard her fumbling around, flushing the toilet and the sink running as she washed her hands. A few hours later, she suddenly started crying and I looked over to where she was lying on the couch and saw that she had just peed all over herself and the couch. It was a lot... and very evident she did not go earlier when she told me she did.

Yesterday, she got up and went to the bathroom. She insisted she had gone and flushed the potty before I could get in there to verify it. Then, later, she casually came up to me and said she needed new panties. When asked, she insisted she did not pee in her panties and could not remember where she had put her panties. I wouldn't let her have new ones until the old ones were located and when I opened the door to the laundry hamper she started screaming, " No!!!" and I knew I had located the evidence. There were the wet panties. In spite of my holding the very thing that proved her guilt, she still insisted she did NOT pee in her panties.

Today, we had no incidents. At least none that I was aware of. When I went to put her to bed, I was picking up some of the toys lying around her room and found a stash of obviously-soiled underwear under her wardrobe. I have no idea how long they have been there or if all of that happened today. Keeping with her presumed innocence, she insists she did not do it. Noah did.

If Noah has been pee-ing in her princess panties and stashing them, we definitely have more issues than I had anticipated.