So This is Why Animals Eat Their Young

My kids are acting weird. Like- full moon weird- but it isn't going away.

Let's start with Noah. Normally a well-behaved kid, he suddenly has forgotten all manners when out in public. Some friends took us to dinner Friday evening for a belated birthday dinner for me. Noah just got up from the table and started wandering around the restaurant. I told him to come sit down and he did, and then he got right back up and I thought he was going to the bathroom, but he went all the way across the restaurant and was just standing over by another table of diners staring at them and the decorations on the wall around them. At some point, I was so wrapped up in dealing with the constant attention required of a three-year-old that I didn't realize Noah went missing again. I looked around for him and he had slid out of his chair and was rolling around on the floor. He's SEVEN YEARS OLD!!

Today, I took the kids to brunch at one of our favorite local restaurants and I had the same problem. I took Zoe to the restroom and came back and saw that he had taken his shoes off. Before that, he was slumped all the way down in his seat practically lying down and by the time we were getting ready to leave, he was loudly making weird noises. I kept throwing THE LOOK at him and threatening his life, but he didn't seem to care.

As for Zoe- she has suddenly decided to become a control freak and decide that she doesn't like to go to the bathroom. Ever. She holds it until she can't hold it anymore and has an accident. This started before her father left, so that has nothing to do with it. I cannot think of any reason she is doing this other than control. She wants to control the situation. She hasn't had problems with using the restroom since school started and now all of a sudden, we are having to carry spare clothes around with us everywhere. Even when I force her to sit on the toilet, she is screaming and crying that she doesn't have to go WHILE she is peeing. Defiant to the very end.

Her first day back at school after the Christmas break, she wet herself and peed all over the chair and floor in the computer area. When we went to dinner Friday night, I took her to the bathroom in the restaurant and she cried and insisted she didn't have to go while I held her on the toilet. She didn't go and after a few minutes and turning on the sink, I let her get down. When we left the restaurant- it was FIFTEEN DEGREES outside! I stood in the freezing cold buckling her in her carseat, closed the door and went around to get in the driver's seat. I put the van in reverse and she said, "Help! I pee-peed in my panties!" I had to get out, get her spare clothes out of the back of the van, unstrap her and change her while standing in FIFTEEN DEGREE WEATHER.

Saturday, after she woke up I told her to go to the bathroom. She went in there and I heard her fumbling around, flushing the toilet and the sink running as she washed her hands. A few hours later, she suddenly started crying and I looked over to where she was lying on the couch and saw that she had just peed all over herself and the couch. It was a lot... and very evident she did not go earlier when she told me she did.

Yesterday, she got up and went to the bathroom. She insisted she had gone and flushed the potty before I could get in there to verify it. Then, later, she casually came up to me and said she needed new panties. When asked, she insisted she did not pee in her panties and could not remember where she had put her panties. I wouldn't let her have new ones until the old ones were located and when I opened the door to the laundry hamper she started screaming, " No!!!" and I knew I had located the evidence. There were the wet panties. In spite of my holding the very thing that proved her guilt, she still insisted she did NOT pee in her panties.

Today, we had no incidents. At least none that I was aware of. When I went to put her to bed, I was picking up some of the toys lying around her room and found a stash of obviously-soiled underwear under her wardrobe. I have no idea how long they have been there or if all of that happened today. Keeping with her presumed innocence, she insists she did not do it. Noah did.

If Noah has been pee-ing in her princess panties and stashing them, we definitely have more issues than I had anticipated.

Really- Now WHY Didn't I Just See This Coming?

Upon entering the room, the smell of urine was pungent.

All the usual spots were checked- floor, around the toilet, under the lid of the toilet, baseboards behind the toilet.... no evidence was found of an errant stream.

Surfaces were bleached.

The room now smelled like bleach-y pee.

"What the heck is going on?"

"I'm way too neurotic to live with a bathroom that smells like a bus station."

"Is THIS what the apocalypse is going to be like? My own personal hell? First birds fall from the sky, then fish die, now my bathroom is going to smell like the Exxon station loo for all eternity?"

"Ouch!"

"Stupid little potty! I don't know why I keep that thing in here anyway. I know it was for emergency use since we only have one bathroom. She's not quite good enough yet to hold it should the toilet be occupied. But, she hasn't had to use it. Look at it, it's just collecting dust! Yuck!"

"Okay, I'm going to mop the floor one more time and wipe the toilet, around the toilet and the wall behind the toilet down with the bleach spray."

"Oh, that bathroom rug should go in the washer, too. "

"While I'm over here, I'm just going to scrub the tub real quick."

" You know, before I scrub the tub down, I'm going to put that little potty in here and rinse the dust off of it, take it apart and store it in the closet. That will free up some floor space. Stupid house with one bathroom! I hate New Jersey!"

"What the...?"

"Oh ewwwwwww! Yuck! So THAT is where the smell has been coming from! This has clearly been here awhile. "

"Apparently, at some point, she peed, removed the little bowl, dumped it into the cavity where the bowl once sat, replaced the bowl over the top and like a dope, I've been just wiping down the surface of the potty. How was I supposed to know there was pee INSIDE? But then, I really should have anticipated that. Especially after this. And this."

"Why do I have such a problem with my three-year-old and urine in places it should not be?"

Parenting Failure number 824,792. This year. And it's only January 9.

CSI- El Baño

CSI
New York

My Bathroom

Saturday, November 13, 2o1o
2:30pm:

Our dispatch received a distress call from the north end of the house- the transcript of the call is as follows:

Caller: Mommy!? Can you help me? I DIDN'T pee-pee on the floor!"

The Mom Squad was immediately dispatched at high-speed to investigate the report.

Upon arrival, a three-year-old was found naked from the waist down and a rather large puddle of liquid was observed on the bathroom floor.

Interrogation followed.

Suspect: I didn't pee-pee.
Officer: If you didn't pee, then what is that on the floor?
Suspect: Water?
Officer: Okay, then where did the water come from?
Suspect: My vagina.

The suspect was showered, issued new undergarments and light community service (helping with clean-up of the crime scene) and was then sent on her way to hopefully become a productive, contributing, peeing-in-the-toilet member of society.

Case closed.

The NUMBER ONE Reason Why I Change the Face Towel at Least Twice a Day

We live in a small house. It only has one bathroom.

Let me repeat that. We only have ONE bathroom.

Since everyone uses the same bathroom all the time, I generally changed the face/hand towel every few days. And up until a few weeks ago, that has been sufficient.

For the first time in the twelve years my husband and I have been married, we've run out of towels. They are all in the wash. "What has contributed to this great towel shortage?", you might ask.

Several weeks ago, I was drying my face after washing it and noticed the towel smelled... off. I thought maybe I had left it a little long and forgotten to change it out, so I changed it and went about my day.

The next day, the towel smelled bad again. I can't describe the smell.. it isn't anything specific, just used. I thought perhaps there had been an increase in dirty-child-hand/face-washing activity, so I changed the towel and put it behind me.

The next day, same thing. The towel needed changing and I could not figure out what was going on... until two weeks later.

I walked into the bathroom one evening to assist in the nightly toothbrushing routine just in time to catch Zoe as she finished peeing on her little potty. I watched as she got up, took the bowl out of her little potty, dumped it in the big potty, rinsed the bowl out in the bathroom sink and then WIPED IT DRY WITH THE FACE TOWEL!

Mystery solved.

Just to be safe, if I miss supervising Zoe's potty time, I change the towel.

And THAT is why we are out of towels.

And bleach.

The Saboteur

This morning, Zoe asked if she could wear her big girl Ariel underwear. I decided to let her and see what happened. I put them on her and she was happily showing her brother her Ariel panties.

I explained to her that if she needed to potty, she had to tell me because Ariel would be very sad if she got wet.

"Ariel sad. No wet." , she reiterated.

Captain Literal came out of his silence at that moment to respond with, " Yes she DOES like to get wet, she's a MERMAID!"

Good thing, because she got wet.

The Colbert Children Stubborness Postulate OR "In Your Face, Mommy!"

"Help, Mommy! I wet now." is what I heard at 2:00 this afternoon. This is also the phrase that could have potentially sent me over the edge had there not been witnesses.

When I say my children are stubborn, I don't mean it lightly. I don't even mean it comically. I mean it in the "as a mule" context. Both of them.

When Zoe crawls out of bed in the mornings, her diaper is completely dry. It's been this way for months and try as I might to get her to sit on the potty, she adamantly refuses. I've even tried making her sit on the toilet and turning the water on to try and force her to go, but it doesn't work. Usually, an hour or two after she wakes up, she will finally let it all out and I know this when I see her saturated diaper hanging between her knees.

This morning was no different. The diaper was dry, I begged her to sit on the potty while she flat refused. I eventually got her and her brother dressed, Noah on the school bus and Zoe's backpack packed to go to hourly care today. She goes one day a week from 9-2 to get her used to being away from me before she starts preschool next year.

I arrived to pick her up a few minutes before two and she was sitting on her cot just waking up from nap time. Her teacher, Ms. Amanda, asked her if she wanted to sit on the potty and Zoe said she didn't. So, she took her to the changing area to change her diaper. That is standard procedure after nap time and she changed the diaper even though it wasn't wet. All the while she and I were talking and she said that Zoe never goes while she's at daycare either. She had still been in her original diaper from this morning. This meant that, at two o'clock in the afternoon, Zoe had still not gone to the bathroom since the night before. I was shocked.

Zoe happily said "Bye-bye" to Ms. Amanda and was now standing outside the partition with me while I chatted with Amanda about Zoe's day. I asked how long it took her to quit crying that morning, if she ate lunch, if she played and if she napped. We chatted for a minute or two and Zoe ran off down the little hallway a bit. I told Zoe she needed to come back to where I was standing and I bent down to zip her backpack at which point she uttered the line about being wet.

Confused, I reached around to feel her diaper to see if it was full. I recoiled as my hand was suddenly soaked. I turned her around and she had peed so much it had instantly filled her diaper to capacity, leaked and soaked the entire right side of her pants. All in the span of about two minutes.

I kindly asked Amanda if I could use the changing table and even she was astounded that Zoe could soak her diaper and pants that quickly after being changed. After the clean-up, Zoe skipped to the van where we had a conversation about being a big girl and using the potty.

" Zoe, you really need to use the big girl potty, now. It is time to get rid of the diapers."

" I wear my princess panties."

" Yes, you can wear your princess panties when you use the big girl potty."

"Okay, Mommy. I wear panties."

" You want to wear your princess panties?"

"Yeah."

" Are you going to use the potty?"

"No, mommy. I use diapers. No princess panties."

"Zoe, do you want to sit on the potty?"

"NO, MOMMY! No panties! I go my house, now."

**SIGH**

So, I started the van and I drove to her house...

...where she is currently wearing diapers.

The Real Reason We Have a Baby Toilet in the House

It isn't because it might help Zoe learn to use the toilet. Because, it doesn't work.

It is a useless ( or so I thought) object, collecting dust in our bathroom. I googled alternate uses * so I wouldn't feel that I had wasted money. Here is a compilation of what I found:

One could always perk up their garden with their potty by using it as a planter:


Or perhaps, ditch those pesky adirondack chairs with their rigid backs and trade them for something more comfortable:




To appease that quirky artist in your family, you could turn it into sculpture- a work of art sure to capture the attention and admiration of all your neighbors:

But, if you are Zoe, you will put it to a more practical use. Turns out, the aforementioned "dust collector" was serving a purpose afterall. During it's routine dusting today, I discovered it's real identity.

Storage.

I told you my daughter was a hoarder.

If you missed the story about potty-training my daughter, you can read it here.

*amazing what you can find when you google

*Image credit 1

*Image credit 2

*Image credit 3

Image 4- mine

The Princess and the Pee

I'm having a flashback.

A flashback to how your entire life seems to revolve around pee and poo when you have a two-year-old. In the grand scheme of my life, I will look back one day and these will be just small snippets of time, but right now ( and four years ago when I was going through this with Noah) it seems all-encompassing. Like I will NEVER know life without diapers and smelly, messy accidents. I know I will, I just can't quite catch a glimpse of that light at the end of the tunnel yet. And, after all, it IS that light that keeps us going.

When Noah was two, some of his little friends started potty training. He was not in the least bit interested. I let him be, trusting the advice of the experts that when he was ready, he would let me know. That day never came.

The summer he was turning three arrived and shortly after his birthday, he would be starting preschool. My goal was that he would be starting preschool in big boy underwear. It didn't happen. I'm such an underachiever.

I cannot take credit for teaching my son to use the toilet. Why? Because his preschool teachers did it. It happened just like all the books and quotes and people-who-know-things said. One day he decided to use the toilet and other than a few minor accidents, he never looked back.

I held on to the promise that "boys are hard to potty train" and was elated when the birth of my second child proved to be a girl. The first thing I thought upon her arrival was, "This one's going to be out of diapers at two." Ok, that wasn't REALLY my first thought... you know, " She's so beautiful!" ... " I'm glad she's finally here!"... " Wait a minute, she isn't really all that good-looking, have I given birth to a troll?" Oh, is that just me? Sorry, color me embarrassed. I digress.

So after displaying all the appropriate and expected social and emotional responses that accompany the birth of a child, I thought, "This one's gettin' outta diapers next month!"

I mean, I had been told that BOYS were the hard ones to train. Girls are easy. Even better, that younger children often learn more quickly than their older siblings because they want to be a big kid too like their tiny role models. I had TWO things on my side! Woohoo. I had it made.

Except, not so much.

I failed to take personality into consideration. Pure, stubborn, I do things my way and on my time when I feel like it, red-headed personality. And so it has been. For two and a half years.

Since Zoe turned two, the little potty has been sitting in the bathroom collecting dust. I put it there to generate interest. The only time she so much as glances at it, is when she likes to taunt me passive aggressively by putting her treasured stuffed cat on it and saying, " Look, Mommy! Meow Meow pee pee!" And we all clap for Meow Meow and I silently curse her future children with this same stubborn affliction.

Now, Zoe loves princesses. So, I had a stroke of brilliance- an outright moment of enlightenment in the holy temple of Target one day- I bought princess panties. And Zoe rejoiced and promised to use the potty so she could wear her " Ya-yel" ( Ariel) underwear. It didn't work. The panties are now perched nicely on top of her wardrobe where she takes them down every once in awhile, admires them, brings them to me and reminds me that she has to pee pee in the potty to wear them and then puts them back where they came from.

Which brings us to... For the last month, Zoe's diaper has been completely dry when she gets up in the mornings. That's one of the many signs of toilet-readiness. So I got all stealth and decided to try something new. I just put the panties on her hoping that when she wet herself, she would be uncomfortable and start to understand the concept.

I'm sure you will be astounded to know that didn't work either. After about twenty minutes, I went to check on her and she was happily playing- in wet underwear, with wet pants and wet socks. It didn't bother her in the least.

So, alas, I've thrown in the proverbial towel, packed the panties away and quit trying to coax her out of diapers. The days pass lazily by with a summer of diapers looming in my future. My light at the end of the tunnel? Zoe starts preschool in September and her teachers can teach her to use the potty then. That's my tax dollars at work and money well-spent.

** I'm linking up to Dumb Mom's ( her words, not mine) Thank Me Later posts where you can link up with your tips. And this is my tip on how NOT to potty train your two-year-old!