Sisterhood of the Expanding Pants

Back in 2005, I bought what will probably go down in history as my favorite pair of jeans. Ever. Yes, it really was THAT dramatic. I got them at American Eagle and they fit perfectly, were comfortable and I looked great in them. I loved them so much that I wore them to their death.

Five years is a long time to withstand what I put those jeans through. About a year and a half ago, they developed a hole in the knee. That just made them even more awesome and I continued to wear them. About six months ago, the denim around the back pocket started wearing really thin. They made it a few more months until they broke down and the pocket and the pants began parting like the Red Sea. It was time to let them go. I mourned their passing by wearing yoga pants- defiant at buying a new pair of awesome jeans for fear it would disrespect the memory of the AE jeans.

I believe I am beginning to heal, because deep within my soul, stirs the desire for a new pair of fabulous jeans. The desire comes and goes but tonight, when a covert Halloween costume mission brought me to the mall, I finally felt I was ready. I walked into American Eagle.

Lining the wall were various washes and cuts of "skinny jeans." I began to pout.

"Can I help you?" the skinny, young sales girl that was probably in middle school when I bought my last pair of AE jeans asked.

"Um, er, I'm just looking at the jeans."

[sweet smile]

"Any ones in particular?"

"No, I'm just looking right now, thanks."

I scan the wall in front of me and see that they are all skinny jeans. I walk to the next wall which is displaying "slim boot cut jeans".

"Hi there! Is there anything particular you are looking for?" another slightly-older but still twenty-something salesgirl asked.

"Well, yes. I had a pair of AE jeans that I wore until they literally came apart at the seams and I was looking for another pair. They were not skinny jeans. They were just regular jeans."

"Well by 'regular jeans' I'm not sure what you mean because they all have a name. Were they perhaps The Boyfriend Jean?"

[blank stare]

" I don't know what they were called. They had a classic fit, snug in the thighs, mid-rise and slight boot cut."

"Ohhhhhh..... how long ago was this? Because we had the original but have discontinued making them. I suggest you try these slim jeans, though. Don't let the name 'slim' scare you. They fit really well."

I grabbed two different sizes in that pair and proceeded to the dressing room to try them on. I will spare you the details, but one pair did fit. They even looked pretty good with my longer tee. That is, until, I had to bend or squat at which point anyone within twenty feet of me would get way more than they bargained for in the form of a clear view of all that God gave me. In other words, they were pretty low-rise. And, when you are a mom, bending and squatting tends to come up on occasion.

I walked out of the dressing room where older (and by older I mean this one was possibly of drinking age, but still far younger than myself) salesgirl was waiting on me with a hopeful look. I shook my head and told her the rise was too low. She took the jeans and said, " Those are the highest rise we have..."

[WOW]

"... Perhaps you can try The Gap. They still carry their classic jean."

Embarrassed, I walked out making a bee-line for the mall exit with no intention of stopping by The Gap or any other store.

As I headed out of the store, I heard salesgirl #1- the younger one- say, "Sorry about that. Have a great night!" chirpily. I glanced over my shoulder at her to bid her farewell, and I noticed she had that look on her face.

Pity.

She was smiling, but it was a pity smile. She was pitying me for having that awkward mom shape and for walking my old, uncool badonk-a-donk into her store.

I hurried out the nearest exit to my awaiting mini-van, cranked up the Springsteen and made a mental note that perhaps I should be on the lookout for these...

{Saturday Night Live Mom Jeans}

...and that in the future, I should remember that, from this day forward, AE is dead to me.