The Preschool Dating Scene

At dinner last night, Zoe casually mentioned, "Eddie likes to jump on me and hang on me when we are outside."

As a response, DJ jokingly told her she needed to stay away from the little boys and was teasing her about it. Suddenly, Zoe began to defend her actions.

"But, Eddie likes the Bear Hunt song and I like the Bear Hunt Song. And Eddie and I both run like this (insert demonstration) during the Bear Hunt Song! And, Eddie likes to play in the kitchen with me. We make ice cream."

I wonder what an online personal ad for a preschooler would look like?

Looking for: single male, 4 or 5 years old. Must love long walks in the pretend forest whilst listening to the "Bear Hunt" song and jumping for hours on the trampoline. Pretend cooking skills a must. Interest in a good debate over the big issues such as bedtime, wardrobe and meal choices , a plus. Dislike of Hello Kitty, Barbie or the Disney Princesses and an inability to reach the bathroom light, use the potty and antagonize siblings need not apply.

Kids Today are So Pretend Lazy (Conversations with Zoe)

ZOE: When we sing Bear Hunt, we run like this (demonstrates) when the bear is chasing us!

ME: Oh wow! You run very quickly! You know, I remember singing that song when I was in preschool.

ZOE: Ohhh... that was a LONG time ago!

Me: Umm, yeah. So... what do you do when you come to the fence?

ZOE: We open the gate (demonstrates again).

ME: Hmmm... because we had to climb the fence....

ZOE : Well, it's easy to open the gate.

ME: I suppose so. What do you do when you get to the water?

ZOE: We go in a boat and use the stick things to make you go (oars).

ME: Wow- we had to swim.

ZOE: That's weird, why??

ME: Because my preschool couldn't afford pretend boats!

ZOE: (completely unmoved by my sarcastic response) Well, why didn't you just pretend the carpet was the boat? Because there are sharks and crocodiles that probably ate you.

ME: Well, I guess I didn't have to worry about the bear anymore if the sharks and crocodiles got me, huh?

ZOE: Well, when I went in the boat, I saw some sharks and they were tiny babies, so I don't think they ate you.

ME: Oh whew! I'm so glad!

ZOE: But the bear ate you because you didn't go through the gate.

This is YOUR FAULT, DJ! (that's my husband)

I have been ranting on here for as long as I have had this blog about the fact that my children don't take photos. It is a great irony that I LOVE to take photos and my kids hate to be in them. I always see everyone else's photos of their kids posing and smiling beautifully and envy them. And it isn't just me- I tried taking them to Sears and JC Penney several years ago and they would not cooperate there either. They don't even cooperate for school pictures. It is SO FRUSTRATING!

Zoe's school pictures came home yesterday. They are horrible. We got up early that morning and curled her hair. I pinned her bangs to the side in a beautiful, festive little barrette that matched her dress. She approved of her look and promised me great things before stepping on the bus. Here is the picture I took of her before she got on the bus that morning.





Her teacher said she was glad I got a picture of her before she left because she refused to look at the photographer. Yesterday, the long-awaited pictures came home. Yeah. They make you pay in advance and I am totally sending them back. They have a retake day and I am hoping for better, but if I am still not satisfied, they refund your money. I see a refund and an unhappy mom with no preschool picture in my future.




Exactly four years ago, Noah did the same thing. Same kid, same attitude. The only difference, was that Noah's happened to be funny and I purchased them anyway.




Here they are side-by-side for comparison, grins and giggles:(strangely coincidental they are both wearing red)




This is my life.

They get this from their father's side, because I am smiling in all of my photos. Here are my preschool photos for evidence:

3year old preschool

4 year old preschool

You draw your own conclusion.

Totally their father's fault.

Idle Conversation- a Lesson for Noah

Tonight, at the dinner table, Zoe was full of conversation and information. She rambled in detail about how her usual best friends were not her best friends today and she had a new one and shared her name with us. She mentioned several kids that got their busy bees (classroom jobs) taken away from them for bad behavior and the ones that made sad choices. She also went into details about the kids that made good choices. The babble continued for a good five minutes straight without letting us get a word in edgewise.

I stole a sideways glance at Noah and he caught my eye too. He rolled his eyes, sighed and said, "Three-year-olds!!".

I didn't have the heart to tell him that wasn't as much "three-year-olds" as it was "women". And that he would be listening to this sort of idle conversation,perhaps, for the rest of his life.

Life Lessons Learned

I have two quick anecdotes today.

The first started a few weeks ago when Zoë started saying, "Oh my God" a lot. I told her one day that wasn't a very nice thing to say and that she should say, "Oh my goodness." instead. She nodded her head and went about her way.

A couple of nights ago, I heard Noah and Zoë in the tub.

NOAH: You know who made the lawn?

ZOË: WHO????

NOAH: God

ZOË: **GASP**(then whispering) Mommy say don't say God, say goodness.

So now my kid thinks God is a bad word. Nice.

*******

Zoë's classroom has what they call "busy bees". It is basically their jobs. They pick their job for the week from things such as door holder, snack helper etc. Sometimes if they are not behaving themselves, they will lose their busy bee for the day.

Today, Zoë had two meltdowns. One massive one which I actually heard because I was volunteering ( I was not in her classroom and she did not know I was there) and happened to be taping notes to the cubbies out in the hall when I heard her screaming. I heard her teacher firmly tell her, " No hitting. I do not hit you, so you don't hit me!"

On the way home from school, I was talking to her about her sad choices. I told her that sometimes we all make sad choices- even Mommy and Daddy make sad choices. I gave her examples and then followed it up with, "So, everyone makes sad choices sometimes, but it is important that we realized we made a sad choice. And what do you think we should do next?" (I paused giving her a chance to answer, but was going to then tell her that we should apologize to the person we hurt either with our hands or our words) I didn't get to answer the question because she did

" Ummmm???? Lose our busy bee?"

The Backseat Driver

Zoe starting preschool is reminding me of loads of Noah-in-preschool stories that I feel I need to record. I didn't have this blog when Noah was in preschool, so a lot of things have gone undocumented. And Noah requires documentation. This is perhaps my favorite Noah preschool story of all:

When Noah was three, I arrived to pick him up from preschool one afternoon only to be met by the family worker. She had been standing around his classroom waiting for me so she could share this story. Apparently, earlier that day, she had gone in the classroom and was playing a pretend game with the kids. She arranged some chairs in a line and announced that she was driving a bus to the zoo and if anyone wanted to ride along to the zoo, they should get in. Some children sat in the chairs- including Noah- and went along for the pretend ride.

As they were "driving" she was encouraging their imaginations by asking them to discuss what they might see outside or talk about where they were going. Noah interrupted to inquire as to which zoo they would be visiting.

"Umm, Philadelphia. Yes, the Philadelphia Zoo.", the family worker responded. He was satisfied with that answer and continued his imaginary ride in silence. The family worker continued her running commentary on their trip and once again Noah interrupted to ask:

"Are we taking the Ben Franklin or the Walt Whitman [bridge]?"

"Well, I guess we are taking the..."

"...because I want to take the Walt Whitman Bridge!"

" Okay, Noah, we are taking the Walt Whitman Bridge."

I am sure at this point, she was sorry she had embarked on this little trip with Miss Daisy in the backseat bossing her around, but God bless her, she continued nonetheless.

Family Worker: " Now, we are driving over the Walt Whitman Bridge, everyone look out the window and tell me what you see." (hoping to hear them talk about the water, boats, the city or even the zoo)

No one got to answer because Noah interjected, " IKEA! I see IKEA!! Can we go there instead?"

He was right, you can see IKEA from the Walt Whitman Bridge and he totally hijacked the imaginary bus of three-year-olds heading on their imaginary field trip to the Philadelphia Zoo.

Because, you know, Swedish flat-packed furniture and meatballs are WAY more important and interesting than stupid animals.

Priorities.

First Impressions

From 2004-2008 I thought I was an awesome parent. I had a very well-behaved, well-mannered little boy that never got into trouble and a baby girl that, for the most part, slept well, smiled, coo-ed and played happily. Zoe's babyhood was in sharp contrast to Noah's. He was a very cranky baby and toddler, but once he hit 18 months old, he turned into a dream child.

Awesome parenting skills, right? You know.. some people were just born to be parents. Some people are just awesome.

Yeah... RIGHT!

So, while I was sitting on my smug little awesome pedestal judging others, my awesome baby girl was approaching eighteen months of age. The age that everything in my household apparently does a one-eighty.

Zoe hit eighteen months and I swear her red hair glowed a little brighter, that temper began to shine through, she started asserting her independence and we buckled down for the storm.

Because I still thought I was an awesome parent, Noah's terrible two's weren't so bad and we handled them well. Again, I erroneously attributed that to my stellar parenting skills.

Then Zoe turned two and it only got worse.

Zoe turned three and still... tantrums, strong-willed, EVERYTHING. IS. A. STRUGGLE. Resistance at every turn. I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall. Hourly.

I know. It's the moment the parents of the children that throw public tantrums wait silently for. When the parents of the good children get their comeuppance. Karma. Smack in the back of their puffed up little heads.

Well, alright, already. I get it. It isn't my parenting skills. I was NOT an awesome parent, I was a LUCKY parent. I totally get it now. So, when does my lesson end? When will Zoe fall into compliance?

When Noah started preschool at age three, all I ever got was praise and compliments about what a sweet and well-behaved little boy he was. I took Zoe to meet her teacher and see her classroom today for preschool. It was a little different experience than the first time around.

Noah clung nervously to me, hid behind my leg and finally after 30 minutes or so, warmed up enough to play with some of the toys in the room, but never venturing far from me. When it was time to leave, all I had to do was tell him so and he was at my side for fear I might leave him.

Back to this morning. Zoe and I walked into her classroom (coincidentally the exact same classroom Noah had, but the teachers are different). She walked right in with her backpack, parked her butt on the little couch and began spreading out her blanket and stuffed cat. Another child wanted to sit on the couch too and Zoe was kicking and swatting at him. I was trying to contain her all the while the teacher was welcoming the parents and telling us about her classroom. I glanced down at Zoe again and she was lying upside down hanging off the couch, legs spread-eagle in her dress. I quietly asked her to sit up which she answered with a screech.

Since she couldn't play nicely and share the couch, I made her get up at which point- while the teacher was still giving her speech- Zoe proceeded to lie down on her back in the middle of the floor and start kicking her legs. She wasn't screaming, just sort of grunting with each kick, so I chose to ignore her. It was then that I could see it. The other parents were staring, judging. I was THAT mother. With THAT kid.

Just ten minutes earlier, in the parent meeting upstairs, they were explaining that if there were behavioral problems with the children, the parents would be required to accompany their child on the field trips. It wasn't an option. I was thinking I would chaperone all the field trips anyway, because they are fun. I went on all of them with Noah. But it would be mortifying to be that parent that HAD to go on all the field trips because their kid was a discipline problem.

And now, ten minutes later, I realized it was going to be ME. *I* was going to be the parent with the phone calls, incident reports, required to go on the field trips and the one the other newbies stare at, shake their heads and "tsk tsk".

Preschool is going to be an adventure...

...and a bit of entertainment.

I am just not sure WHOSE entertainment yet.

Oh, and if your child is in the same room as my child, get used to the name, "Zoe". I feel like it might come up a lot.

One more thing: I apologize in advance.

** I should note that once the teacher was finished speaking, Zoe happily went and played with the toys, but then it was time for us to leave and we had a mini-meltdown over leaving.

*** Dumb Mom is having Mom Tip Tuesday today and although I can't offer any tips, since it is pretty obvious my full-of-myself parenting skills have been invalidated and clearly I can only offer tips on how NOT to raise a child, she is generously offering the chance to link up school related posts too. So, if you have a Mom Tip or a school-related post- go on over and link up!