Cojones...

... as in, I need to get some.

**Warning: lengthy rant **

I have a hard time with the line dividing being nice and helpful and being taken advantage of.

First, last year, a neighborhood little girl Noah's age started coming over to play. I was excited he was finally getting friends and happily let her play whenever she showed up at my door. I knew which house she lived in, but had ( and still to this day) never met her parents. I kept waiting for them to personally come pick her up- after all, there is NO WAY I would let Noah go play at someone's house without meeting the parents first. They never came. When it was time for her to go home, they sent her older sister to pick her up.

The occasional playdates grew to every day visits to my house. She was a nice enough little girl at first, but the reason I like my son to have friends over is because they distract each other and stay out of my hair for awhile. At least that is how it works with the little boy across the street. I have met his parents and we frequently talk. When he comes to my house, other than expected occasional spats, the two boys and Zoe get along nicely and it is a break for me. I think it is the same when Noah is at their house. At least I have never heard otherwise. Also, it's pretty even split as to how much time they spend at each others' houses.

But this little girl would come over and every five minute she was coming in my house to use the bathroom/get a drink of water/ask for a snack/ask what time it is. It created MORE work for me and it was really annoying! One day she showed up around five o'clock, asked me what time it was and then told me she needed to be home at nine. Um...... no.... you are NOT staying four hours at my house so I can answer questions every five minutes and feed you. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind feeding a child at my house, but I think it should go both ways. This child is eating my food, and basically being cared for by me- while her parents have all this free time and I am not getting the same deal. Not that I would have let Noah go over to her house, her parents had already proved what kind of parents they were by letting her roam the neighborhood by herself (at six years old), play at and go inside of a house that belonged to people they had never met and not even checking up on her.

I put a stop to the visits. It made too much work for me. She still asks on occasion if she can play and she has this really obnoxious habit of standing at our fence and staring at us in the backyard while Noah plays and we sit on the patio. I can't make her leave, because she is outside the fence, on public property. (We live on a corner lot, so a road runs along the side of our backyard- we cannot put up a privacy fence- so we are stuck with a hurricane fence and feeling like we live in a fishbowl in these situations) So, my question is, why did her parents feel they could pawn her off on us all hours of the day, for hours on end if we were outside. It was almost like we were prisoner in our home, because as soon as we walked outside, she was in the backyard.

Situation number two:

My previous blog was about "Person" who sits in my driveway waiting for the schoolbus and invited us over last weekend for smores and then pretty much ignored us when we were there.

What I didn't tell you in that post, is that I also get stuck watching her daughter before and after school sometimes. It started when one day, the bus came and Person was not there to pick up her daughter. Person and her husband are both military- she is National Guard and he is reserves, but they both work full time. It was the first time and I thought that something must have happened, so I took responsibility for Child at the bus stop because the bus driver cannot let a child that young off the bus without an adult present. There was no way I was going to let her walk home as it is several blocks and she would have to cross a very busy major street to get to her street. She played at my house and about twenty minutes later her mother showed up and apologized profusely and got my number so she could program it in her cell to let me know if something like this happened again. Well, this happened several more times, that Child got off the bus and Person wasn't here and Person didn't call me. Every time she showed up, she apologized and said she hadn't put my number in her phone yet.

Did I mention that Child is very badly-behaved? She doesn't listen to her parents at all and she doesn't listen to me either. Again, it is a situation where I feel like I have to do more work when she is here, because I am having to referee at all times.

One day, Child's father showed up at my door at 8:20 am ( the bus comes at 8:45) and asked if he could just drop her off. I said sure ( sucker, I know) and I had to monitor her while trying to finish getting Noah ready for school. It was stressful. This has become fairly regular now, when Father is home to get her ready for school. He drives by the front of my house, lets her out and sits in the truck while she comes to my door and waves at me and drives away. This morning, she didn't knock, she just walked right in. Also this morning? She yanked several toys from Zoe making her cry and then tried to tell me she was trying to GIVE them to Zoe and then shot Zoe in the face with a Nerf gun.

Am I being unreasonable? I know that this family is going through some things right now and could probably use a little help, but I am not sure if I am help or a doormat. I think what bothers me most is that I feel that I wouldn't get the same support from them. My husband is working nightshift right now- 12 hour shifts- and is exhausted. Add his exhaustion to the effects of his nightly absences and day-time sleep and it is a bit stressful around here too. But, it's all about THEM... nothing about me. I am always so happy and helpful and cheerful. What on earth could be wrong in my world?

One morning, after Child was dropped off, she played for twenty minutes and as we were walking out the door for the bus stop at 8:42 ( bus arrives at 8:45) she said to me, " Ms. Jennifer? I'm really hungry. I didn't eat breakfast." And instantly I was annoyed. I mean, no child should be hungry and I would have fed her, but now I didn't even have time to throw her a poptart. The bus was coming. I was comforted by the fact that they will feed them breakfast when they get to school if they tell them they are hungry. So, I told her to ask for breakfast when she gets off the bus. And then I started thinking... and got angrier and angrier. Was her father so selfish and wrapped up in his personal drama that he didn't even think of feeding his child? OR... was he running late and just assumed I would feed her for him? Either way, it pisses me off! Person has two more stripes than my husband and Husband of Person has one more stripe than my husband. This means they make more money... and there are two of them... so they make MORE THAN TWICE WHAT WE MAKE. Let that sink in a minute. They have more than two times the income we do and just expect that I will feed their child for them because they can't be bothered to get up early enough to do that. We are not struggling. I am not trying to say I can't afford to feed extra children. We are okay, but they are more than two times better... money is not their issue. Or, if it is, I don't know what the've spent it on.

Finally, I want to outline the kind of discipline problem the child is and the dynamic between Child and her mother. One afternoon, when Person actually asked me in advance if she could get off the bus here and play for an hour, we were all outside in the backyard. Child was driving my son's Power Wheels Gator around and ran full-speed head-on into the privacy fence that lines the back of our property. That fence does not belong to us, it belongs to our neighbor. Regardless, you just don't do things like that. I scolded her for running into the fence and told her it was not our fence and she was going to break the Gator or the fence. I guess I should have specifically told her not to run into ANYTHING else, because I said," Don't run into the fence again!". So, she backed it up, turned it and then headed, full-speed head on into a giant oak tree, cracking the bumper of the Gator. My husband lost it and yelled at her. He made her get out of the car and said only Noah could drive. Just a few minutes later, her mother showed up and while we were talking, Child came around the corner driving the Gator again and then ran into the playset. I said, " Now, [Child], we already told you to stop running into things. You've already broken the bumper and you are not supposed to be driving anymore." -in front of her mom. She didn't get out of the driver's seat. Her mom said, " You heard what Ms. Jennifer said, now get out." And she didn't and Person kept talking to me about whatever she was talking about oblivious to her daughter. Child then ran into the tree and I told her to get out again. Person warned her that they were going home soon and she just proceeded to argue. They argued for a good five minutes while Child kept begging to just make the round in the Gator one more time ( by this time Noah was driving her). And she made the round at least four more times before her mother made her get out and go home.

I realize the common denominator in these situations is me. Something about me just screams to take advantage of me. I don't know what it is. I recognize that this must all be my fault and I need to change something about myself to change the behavior, but I don't know how to "grow a pair". I don't know how to just be assertive without being rude. I feel when I do stand up for myself and say "No" and won't let myself be swayed, I have gone to the other extreme and am just being unreasonable. I don't want to be rude and have no friends at all.

It is apparent to me, though, after this past weekend and the smores incident, that they are not looking for friends, they are only looking for childcare. For Pete's sake, the woman didn't even know my NAME! Come ON!

If you've made it this far- bless your heart- and I apologize. It's a rather lengthy rant that I just needed to get out of my head.